The Guilty Pleasure Television Trifecta

There's a moment, half way through the first (and hopefully only) season of "Paris Hilton it my New BFF", where the titular heiress is reclining in a velvet chaise, her 4 inch heels propped up just so, and with the hint of a smile she asks "I wonder how bad this could get?"

Thusfar, the season has offered us Roller-coaster glam shots; frenemy make-unders; a wildly effeminate Asian boy named Onch who was basically Nicole Richie's Eastern, gay, male counterpart; and potentially my favorite quote of the television season: "It's sweet that you have feelings!" The bid-adieu line is "ttyn" which means "talk to you never" and it said by a half-bored Hilton while she sits in a white throne and holds a diamond scepter. Meanwhile her would-be BFFs clamor around her, and bitch out those "up for discussion" in their Sunday best, while someone will invariably tell Paris "nice dress."

My favorite contender, by far, is Brittany, who is a loudmouthed, sassy girl who seems to be in on her own joke. But there's also Corrie, the Anna Farris look-a-like who once, tearfully, announced "back home they call me Bikini Corrie because I. EARNED. IT." This is how she argued why she should stay. Then later confessed her good luck charm was a tiny gnome. Not to be overlooked is Vanessa, the Rachael Leigh Cook double-take who CRIES EVERY EPISODE at the drop of a hat.

I hate to admit it, but just because it's not quality television doesn't mean it isn't fun as hell to watch.

But "Paris Hilton is my New BFF" is by no means the extent of Star!'s guilty pleasure viewing. No, no. It is merely one part of their mighty trifecta.

The two other all-important parts are America's Next Top Model (up to it's staggering 11th "cycle") and TMZ.

ANTM this season was just too brilliant to avoid. It featured many wildly unattractive girls who photographed "really editorial." Also, its claim to fame was Isis, the series' first transgendered model hopeful. Honestly, in the past, enough of the girls looked dude-ish enough that Isis wasn't really that jarring. (Cycle 10's Marvita? Even 11's Marjorie had her man-moments). There were all the ANTM standards: Cover Girl photo shoots; the obviously bitchy girl (Elina, who was GORGEOUS, but could never relax), and the girl you WANT to win, who doesn't (Analeigh, who was basically the cutest, most talented of the lot, but lacked McKey's redonculous legs and her "tough" poses). ANTM has really NOTHING of value to offer. . . yet I still needed to know who would photograph best in the theme "red carpet disasters."

And lastly, as for nothing to offer, is TMZ, the icing on the guilty pleasure cake. It's a show, based on a WEBSITE, that basically just has a bunch of people sitting around a news room yelling gossip at each other. The TMZ camera crew is notorious for asking the dumbest questions possible to celebrities such as "Hey, Will Farrell! What are your thoughts on Val Kilmer running to by mayor of Mexico?" [Kilmer is, in fact, considering running for governor of New Mexico]. Harvey Levin is TMZ's ring leader, and he basically leans against a cubicle wall and sips what I can only assume is straight scotch out of a coffee thermos with a straw (which my mother is convinced he will one day poke himself in the eye with). It's train wreck TV, and it is SPECTACULAR.

For a good 3 hours every Saturday I cannot move from my couch. It's dangerous, yet it's sort of awesome at the same time.

Paris Hilton is My New BFF: *** out of ***** (3 out of 5)
America's Next Top Model (Cycle 11): ***.5 out of ***** (3.5 out of 5)
TMZ: *** out of ***** (3 out of 5)