Freaxxx

There really are no words. So I don't know if it's a review or not. . .

But if you don't get to the 2 minute mark, where they start choking a bored looking dancer while they scream "liar" at her over and over, then you've only cheated yourself.




let's get freaky now, let's get freaky now. . . (I don't waste my time with lesbians)


* out of ***** for sheer necessity to keep watching it.
1 out of 5

Taylor Swift - Fearless

Today at work, I was accused of having bad taste in music. The primary argument being that I like Matthew Good, which I hardly think is an argument at all. In my defense, I did point out that one of my accusers didn't even KNOW what kind of music he liked. I, at least, am able to acknowledge and admit what I enjoy.

And, yes, I like Taylor Swift.

My cousin Kim warned me that Swift's live show will typically engender mostly disdain, and proves that she likely employs the kind of melody enhancing, pitch perfecting post-production that transforms artists like Fall Out Boy from pure shit live, to something listenable recorded (and believe me, it only takes one track off the FOB live album to know they suck live).

I like Taylor Swift primarily because there is something sweet, and wholesome, and genuine about her. She's an 18 year old girl who sings about life and love and high school, and things that are within the realm of knowledge of an 18 year old girl.

Fearless was the much anticipated sophomore effort, following her hugely successful self-titled debut. While there are no tracks on Fearless that stand out in the same way that previous singles like "Tim McGraw", "Teardrops on My Guitar" or "Picture to Burn" did, it's still a very solid country-pop album.

Excellent tracks worth a listen are: "Fearless", "Fifteen" and "Love Story".

Swift may be young, but it is remarkable to see a girl her age writing her own music and being successful at it. Swift certainly has a bright future ahead of her. . . even if it is just because of sweet lyrics and excellent production value.

***.5 out of *****
3.5 out of 5

James Blunt with Luke Doucet (Live in Concert)

November 24, 7:30pm, MTS Centre.

Ohhh, I really wanted to be super cool and say "yea, whatevs dudes, James Blunt is super lame." And to be honest, if we were just talking about his music, I'd call it schmaltzy but catchy love-pop. But a friend of mine scored 4th row tickets to see Blunt live, with one of my favorite local acts opening for him, so who was I to refuse?

I am really glad I went.

I would never have expected to use words like "dynamic" or "high energy" or "spectacle" to describe a James Blunt concert. I honestly anticipated he would sit at a piano for 90 minutes and wail his standards like "You're Beautiful" while flashing his crazy eyes at the audience. And while that DID happen, it happened amid a 100 foot wall of video screens, Blunty running wild into the audience to do a session in the round, and a genuinely very charismatic performer (he embodies my favorite portmanteau: charmisma). He ended the encore with his major hit 1973, and rode a piano like a surf board under a giant disco ball before the ceiling exploded with confetti. It was CHEESY, but damn it was a good time.

Luke Doucet, who was a surprising opener, was incredible live, and did an honest-to-god autograph signing, where I met him and his incredibly talented wife Melissa McClelland, who deserves better than being his lead guitar. She opened for Matt Good's solo tour for Pete's sake.

All in all, it was an incredible, and surprising show.

***.5 out of *****
3.5 out of 5

The Guilty Pleasure Television Trifecta

There's a moment, half way through the first (and hopefully only) season of "Paris Hilton it my New BFF", where the titular heiress is reclining in a velvet chaise, her 4 inch heels propped up just so, and with the hint of a smile she asks "I wonder how bad this could get?"

Thusfar, the season has offered us Roller-coaster glam shots; frenemy make-unders; a wildly effeminate Asian boy named Onch who was basically Nicole Richie's Eastern, gay, male counterpart; and potentially my favorite quote of the television season: "It's sweet that you have feelings!" The bid-adieu line is "ttyn" which means "talk to you never" and it said by a half-bored Hilton while she sits in a white throne and holds a diamond scepter. Meanwhile her would-be BFFs clamor around her, and bitch out those "up for discussion" in their Sunday best, while someone will invariably tell Paris "nice dress."

My favorite contender, by far, is Brittany, who is a loudmouthed, sassy girl who seems to be in on her own joke. But there's also Corrie, the Anna Farris look-a-like who once, tearfully, announced "back home they call me Bikini Corrie because I. EARNED. IT." This is how she argued why she should stay. Then later confessed her good luck charm was a tiny gnome. Not to be overlooked is Vanessa, the Rachael Leigh Cook double-take who CRIES EVERY EPISODE at the drop of a hat.

I hate to admit it, but just because it's not quality television doesn't mean it isn't fun as hell to watch.

But "Paris Hilton is my New BFF" is by no means the extent of Star!'s guilty pleasure viewing. No, no. It is merely one part of their mighty trifecta.

The two other all-important parts are America's Next Top Model (up to it's staggering 11th "cycle") and TMZ.

ANTM this season was just too brilliant to avoid. It featured many wildly unattractive girls who photographed "really editorial." Also, its claim to fame was Isis, the series' first transgendered model hopeful. Honestly, in the past, enough of the girls looked dude-ish enough that Isis wasn't really that jarring. (Cycle 10's Marvita? Even 11's Marjorie had her man-moments). There were all the ANTM standards: Cover Girl photo shoots; the obviously bitchy girl (Elina, who was GORGEOUS, but could never relax), and the girl you WANT to win, who doesn't (Analeigh, who was basically the cutest, most talented of the lot, but lacked McKey's redonculous legs and her "tough" poses). ANTM has really NOTHING of value to offer. . . yet I still needed to know who would photograph best in the theme "red carpet disasters."

And lastly, as for nothing to offer, is TMZ, the icing on the guilty pleasure cake. It's a show, based on a WEBSITE, that basically just has a bunch of people sitting around a news room yelling gossip at each other. The TMZ camera crew is notorious for asking the dumbest questions possible to celebrities such as "Hey, Will Farrell! What are your thoughts on Val Kilmer running to by mayor of Mexico?" [Kilmer is, in fact, considering running for governor of New Mexico]. Harvey Levin is TMZ's ring leader, and he basically leans against a cubicle wall and sips what I can only assume is straight scotch out of a coffee thermos with a straw (which my mother is convinced he will one day poke himself in the eye with). It's train wreck TV, and it is SPECTACULAR.

For a good 3 hours every Saturday I cannot move from my couch. It's dangerous, yet it's sort of awesome at the same time.

Paris Hilton is My New BFF: *** out of ***** (3 out of 5)
America's Next Top Model (Cycle 11): ***.5 out of ***** (3.5 out of 5)
TMZ: *** out of ***** (3 out of 5)

Quantum of Solace

Two things:

1) Triple the number of occurrences of truly well-fitting khakis. Fuck yes.

2) Daniel Craig is the BEST BOND EVER.

**** out of *****
4 out of 5

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

There's an argument among film fans that basically says Kevin Smith started to go downhill following Dogma. These are the people that write off how smarmily meta Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was; or don't appreciate the turn Smith tried to take with Jersey Girl. Clerks 2, for the most part, was a bit of a filmic jerk off, but it was fun.

So depending on what camp you're in, Zack and Miri could have either been much anticipated or much dreaded.

It is, undoubtedly, a Kevin Smith film. It is perverse, crass, clever and funny as hell. It's smart, but smart enough not to rub it in your face, and more than anything, it accomplishes what he tried to do in Jersey Girl. It tells a sweet and genuine story, in the guise of tit and shit jokes (and oh, mercy, does Smith deliver the mother of all shit jokes in this movie).

Aside from being just a Smith movie, it is also a very Apatowian (though without any actual Apatow involvement). The film features Seth Rogen, playing Seth Rogen, and Elizabeth Banks who I now have a massive girl-crush on. If you ever wanted to see what happened in the 40 Year Old Virgin after Rogen joined Banks in the bathtub? This is not that movie.

What it is, however, it a laugh out loud comedy, with utterly perfect portrayals by Rogen and Banks, not to mention an incredible cameo by Justin Long, and great supporting roles played by The Office's Craig Robinson, and Smith alum Jason Mewes (with short hair, and some off-putting full frontal nudity) and Jeff Anderson. Even real-life porn stars Traci Lords and Katie Morgan turn in decent and believable performances.

Having now seen the film twice, I feel secure in announcing it as a return to solid form for Smith. All the director standards are there: hockey, Star Wars, but somehow it all feels fresh, and when you take the shock value of the title away, what remains is a clever and sweet romantic comedy. . . with a lot of fake boobs and didlos.

****.5 out of *****
4.5 out of 5

The Harlequin (Anita Blake Book 15)

I don't think it's unfair to say that when I discovered Laurell K. Hamilton in high school, I was at just the right age and maturity level to appreciate her work. Anyone who reads the current incarnations of Hamilton's work, specifically the later Anita Blake novels, and the whole Merry Gentry series, would probably find such a statement a bit shocking. As time has passed, Hamilton's works have gone from being fun paranormal mysteries, with high tension romance, and some smatterings of Harlequin (no pun intended in this specific review) sex scenes, but nothing too overboard. . .

Looking back, I recall that the first novel in the Anita Blake series, my beloved Guilty Pleasures, had naught but one single kiss in its pages. The necromancer, zombie raising, vampire executioner heroine didn't even have sex with anyone until probably book 4 or 5. Instead Hamilton focused on crimes, and mysteries, and the books were hella fun to read. Then, some time following Obsidian Butterfly (my first encounter with the series, but the 9th actual book in the series) something began to change.

Anita got a little. . . slutty.

But dedicated as I was, I kept right on reading, I even bought several of the books in hardcover because I wanted to know so badly how things would progress. And sadly, they progressed poorly. By book 14, Danse Macabre, I was getting more than a little annoyed with Hamilton and her over-sexualized series. So much so, that I said enough was enough, and swore to never venture into the series ever again.

Then people began to tell me "no, Ashley, we swear, it's gotten better." I scoffed and argued that Danse Macabre's actual plot could have been compressed into 2 chapters of the 50 chapter novel. The remaining 48 chapters had been largely smut, and most of the prose therein was overwhelmingly purple. But they kept insisting, and so I caved. I coughed up $9 and bought book 15, The Harlequin, in paperback.

And you know what? It wasn't bad. It was at least 1/3 into the book before ANYONE had sex. It by no means lived up to the expectations set by the original Blake novels (I suggest reading books 1-9 and then stopping, or venture forth at your own risk). There was, however, one thing that bothered me INTENSELY.

With about 1/4 left in the book, just prior to the confrontation with the novel's "big bad" (to borrow a Buffy phrase), Hamilton suddenly and without warning, changes the name of her villainess from Mercia to Columbine. Not only does it demonstrate poor editing, but for such an error to pass from hardcover into paperback just seems sloppy. Worse, still? It's not the first time it's happened. In Blue Moon (Book 8) she makes a similar error, changing a character's name from Betsy to Betty. It is a frustrating and jarring error. However, I was willing to forgive it somewhat because of Hamilton's return to focus on plot over porn.

Hopefully Book 16, which I refuse to buy in hardcover, will carry on the trend.

**.5 out of *****
2.5 out of 5

Guns n' Roses - Chinese Democracy

So. . . it's finally out!

And everyone in America is entitled to free Dr. Pepper!

And it arrived before ACTUAL Chinese Democracy.





oh. . . the music?



meh.

*** out of *****
3 out of 5

Je Retournee!

That's right, I'm re-igniting my effort!!! With a new resolution to read more, and a new motivation to listen to my music thanks to iTunes cover-flow, I am going to make a brave and possibly foolish effort to start posting daily reviews.